I think I'm hitting the angry point in this grief bullshit

I've been rereading old messages from you, and then some from your sister.  Your sister blamed me, and actually accused me of plotting to kill you on purpose.  For so long after that even though I was hurt, I yearned to connect with her, because we should be grieving you together, we should be remembering you together and she wouldn't allow that.  I've been thinking though, and going back through old messages from you in my phone and I realized something.  Things you said, matched things Clover said to me when she told me what horrible human she thought I was.  I kept thinking and I remembered how both times we went to Washington you said she bitched about me and the past all the time you were alone together and I realized your sister is the one who turned you against me.  Your sister would be all friendly when she called,  talk to me and get information, then twist up what was said and tell you the twisted version to turn you against me.  I didn't put it together at the time but that is how you found out different things (like Big Jose talking to me about getting insurance on you, which BTW, I never did).  What was her reason for telling you that when she knew how paranoid you were if not to sow seeds of doubt and anger?  Why would she remind you of all the times I was a shitty mom?  She hated that you loved me. And then once she was successful in poisoning your mind, why didn't she tell me that now you were sure I was involved in the conspiracy you believed in?  I know you had to rant to her like you used to with me, when you were mad at Kelly and you'd threaten Kelly and her kid. Did  you tell her you were going to cut me?  Did she KNOW you were coming to end me that morning?  Did she?  Why would you do something so stupid, baby?  You knew we had pepper spray and a pistol.  Why would you do that when you could have waited until I came over to your house, or took you someplace.  Did your sister tell you to do that then?  Why did this have to happen and did your sister orchestrate this?  Maybe she hoped you'd do this and she'd get my life insurance?  This whole situation makes no fucking sense, baby, none.   I just can't believe that you came up with this on your own.  Not my baby.  Because you even with what was going on you were still "the Baby", and I adored you.  She was so jealous of that.  The more I think about it, the more I realize that all of this is probably true, and there is nothing I can do, no way to hold her accountable for your death.  Her poison ruined your mind, she knew what she was doing and now your gone.  How am I supposed to continue to live with this hole in my heart?  I'm so lost, you were such a huge part of my life and now...I'm just lost.  Maybe she did this to punish me, she has so much hate and anger inside her that will not heal and maybe she didn't plan on you getting hurt, but she knew if you attacked me you'd at least end up in jail.  Were you just a tool to her?  I think about how she was able to walk away from you for over 4 years, with only one short phone call after you almost died but now that you're gone she acts as if you were so important to her.  If she loved you, how could she leave you for years without talking to you?  Maybe she feels guilt because her attempt to get between us resulted in your death.  When you started talking about me being bought off by getting furniture, I should have realized that came from her because you were still living with me when that was delivered in March but SHE didn't realize that.  She misunderstood my getting the over payment back from the finance company and I only mentioned that part to her because I was using that to bail you out.  I wish she had never come back into our lives because she did this.  Her hate did this, and you paid the ultimate price.  My heart aches for you, my little Jose, my Jos-B, my Caesar, my Nero, my Baby.  I would do anything to have you back.  I love you so fucking much.