Jose Luis Carcano III aka Caesar Augustus

 It's been almost two years since I hugged you.  I watched the doorbell videos of October 3 and 4 on these days wanting to hear  you, see  you.  I miss you every single day and wish so badly I'd refused to help you move out.  You would have been forced to stay living at home and you'd still be here.  Probably still fighting with you about those dang blender bottles.  I picture you standing in front of the fridge a lot when I go in the kitchen.  I try to keep to good memories, but sometimes I remember that night.  It tears me apart that all the video and phone calls I have are after you started using meth.  I do have some video from your home video cameras and you were talking to this guy.  I can't really hear what is being said but the cadence of your speech is normal so I like to listen to it.  Kind of like hearing you talk from another room or something.  You even laugh and I love that part.   My heart ach...

 This is one of my favorite pictures of my son.  He seems unaware of the camera, the glow of the computer screen on his face.  Its how I remember him. He loved me fiercely and I loved him too.   He was my best friend, and we did so many things together.  Sometimes the loss of him still knocks the wind out of me, and I ache to talk to him, to hear him say "Mommy!"

I've been rereading old messages from you, and then some from your sister.  Your sister blamed me, and actually accused me of plotting to kill you on purpose.  For so long after that even though I was hurt, I yearned to connect with her, because we should be grieving you together, we should be remembering you together and she wouldn't allow that.  I've been thinking though, and going back through old messages from you in my phone and I realized something.  Things you said, matched things Clover said to me when she told me what horrible human she thought I was.  I kept thinking and I remembered how both times we went to Washington you said she bitched about me and the past all the time you were alone together and I realized your sister is the one who turned you against me.  Your sister would be all friendly when she called,  talk to me and get information, then twist up what was said and tell you the twisted version to turn you against me.  I didn...

My son.  I'm going to start a blog here so I stop filling your facebook with my ramblings.  It has been 130 days since you died.  Some days I think I'm going to be okay, and other days (most of them) I am in anguish.   I know I'm talking to you in all kinds of crazy formats, at the cemetery, on the bench in front of the house, at my desk at work, and now here too.  I just need to feel you around me, to keep you close.   I don't have my thoughts together tonight so this is going to be super short, but expect I'll be talking to you here a lot.  You are, you were, a good man and I'm so sorry I failed you in so many ways.  You deserved a better mother.  I love you always.  Mommy.